farewell.

i remember the night that i was officially leaving canada for 3 months so clearly. i spent my last week at a friend’s house, and kept busy preparing my suitcase, calling my family, buying last minute items, and tieing up a few lose ends. and on that last night, it seemed as though everything was becoming real to me. i was sitting in the passenger seat as we headed to the grocery store to pick up a few lunch items for the next day. i sat in the car while the boys ran inside to get what they needed, and the moment they shut those doors, i felt my heart just pounding. in the silence of that vehicle, i literally thought the sound of my heart beating so fast was going to break the windows. and then my eyes aren’t to well up with tears, and just as one was about to escape from my eye, i saw the boys husseling out of the grocery store, at which point i quickly got myself together again so they didn’t have to witness such a scene.

but it was happening. everything that i had prayed about, talked about, worried about, cried about, yelled about, pondered about..well, it was all happening. that evening, it was happening. and i remember putting the last item in my suitcase upstairs, and realizing that it was time to go. as i walked downstairs, sat on the couch to collect myself, i seemed to do the total opposite. the tears started coming, and they didn’t stop! they just kept coming, and regardless of the back rubs i got to follow in that moment, and the comforting words and hugs that surrounded me, i just couldn’t stop the tears. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to embark on my ventures, but there was just something inside of me that was having a difficult time letting go in that moment. but, i had to. and so, i was led out towards my car at midnight, and forced to say my final goodbye. and that final goodbye was a tough one, may of been one of the hardest actually. but, i got through it, jumped into my car, pumped the music in an effort to get me upbeat, and away i went.

the tears eventually stopped, and my journey to both zimbabwe and india began. looking back now, i never forgot about canada or the people here, but god also granted me a lot of grace, and filled the voids of the people that had a difficult time leaving in the first place. god constantly filled whatever void that seemed to appear, and never stopped holding my hand through the experience.

and not only holding my hand, but leading me places that i never thought i would go. and pushing me into circumstances that i never thought i was fit to be in. but, god stuck around, and always came through with the strength, guidance, and words that i needed to fulfill what he wanted of me in those moments. mind you, i screwed up. gosh, did i make a lot of mistakes while i was away. i said the wrong things, i did the wrong things, i wore the wrong things, and i focused on the wrong things sometimes. but, eventually, god reminded me of the need to look to him, and stay focused on what he had for me, instead of what i thought i could or should be doing.

and this experience changed me. i know this phrase is used very often, and it almost seems cliche, but it really did. and continues to change me even as i enter back into canada and the existing culture here. it’s still the beginning stages, and i know that god has a lot of work to do in my life yet, but there is a movement in my heart going on. and every single day, i thank god for the opportunity to have returned to both zimbabwe, and enter into the world of india. as i attempt to find the words to express this change, i feel like i’m coming up short. it’s one of those things that there doesn’t seem to be the proper words in the english language to articulate how it’s made me feel. i want to try though, and if i come up with it, i’ll be sure to share it with you.

but, it’s interesting you know. when i think about my last night in india, that was an extremely tough one too. i finished my last evening of ministry with aunty, and i was stuck in the pouring rain at the church. as i waited for the rain to stop, and began reflecting on the last two months, it all hit me again. this trip was coming to an end, and that evening, i would be packing my bags, and boarding an early flight to head back to north america the next morning. i remember finally climbing into the audio with uncle, and soaking me in my last audio drive for the trip. and as we approached the house, i realized that i had to say goodbye to uncle. and that the goodbyes of the people very dear to me, were happening and were going to continue to happen throughout the night. and as the morning crept its way into the alandur community, i found myself sitting in the living room with christo, sarah, and aunty. and in that room, i felt my eyes well up with tears again. the goodbyes were starting, and i didn’t want them to. and as we walked up to the taxi and put my bags into the back, the tears didn’t stop, and i could hardly manage to get any words out as i hugged the both of them. even as i stepped into the cab, and drove towards the airport, the tears didn’t stop. i don’t think i finally got a cap on them until i had flown out of india and into europe.

and it dawned on me. my trip started with tears; the anticipation, and nerves for what was to come. the goodbyes that i didn’t want to offer, and the hugs that i wish i could just hold onto. and then, here i was. as i left india, i felt the same way; the anticipation and nerves to return home. the goodbyes that i didn’t want to offer, and the hugs that i wish i could just hold onto.

and so it happened, i started and ended in a basket of tears and emotions. i wouldn’t change any of it though. those emotions and those tears are linked to the deep love and passion that i have aquired for india, and the burning desire that god has put in my heart to return. and the revolution that he is continuing to do in my heart right now.

so, right now, i want to let you all know that this may (or may not, we’ll see if i end up having a burning desire in a week to throw another ‘not all who wander are lost’ post out there) be the last post for ‘not all who wander are lost’, but it won’t be the last post from me. god is working in my heart, and creating a path, and i want you to continue to walk on this journey with me. for that reason, in the next month or so, i want to create a new, regular blog, that i will continue to do posts on. at this point, i’m not sure exactly what the focus will be on, but god knows, and in his time, he’ll inform me of the details.

i want to thank all of you for reading ‘not all who wander are lost’ over the past few months, and i hope that once i get the new blog up and running, you will continue to join me for an afternoon read. thank you for the love and support you have offered me so far, i know that network of people that continued to lift me up helped me so much as i embarked on these journeys this summer.

so, thank you! you’re amazing, and i hope that we will stay connected.

from ‘not all who wander are lost’,

be blessed!

becky molly.

the return.

i was standing in the lobby of the empress hotel in victoria a few days ago when i heard a familiar sound. i began looking around in quite an effort to locate where this sound was coming from. and then my ears spotted it, slowly walking towards me in a green shirt, beige shorts, and sunglasses. i so badly wanted to kick up my heels and run closer so i could get a better listen, but i held myself back due to the inappropriate nature of that said thought. but he was slowly approaching, and i was forced to exercise my patience once again. after what felt like hours, i had strategizely placed myself beside him, as he talked on the phone and glanced at a photo on the wall. what was my ears listening to? an indian man, with (obviously), an indian accent. it was brillant! something that i had gotten so used to hearing for the two months that i was in india, and something that i didn’t realize i would miss so much when i returned to canada.

that is the funny thing actually. i wrote a blog about things i would miss about india, but didn’t realize all the small things that just became apart of everyday life when i was there. like the sound of an indian accent, for example. and there are other things to, which i am about to make a short list for you to read because i enjoy lists as you can tell from reading this blog.

1. already spoken about, but indian accents. definitely.

2. being able to speak in an indian accent. the thing about this was is, i didn’t even realize that i was doing it that often! and then the moment i returned home, almost every sentence that i created my family just burst into a fit of laughter because i was exercising that indian accent that i appparently acquired.

3. the horns. india is such a loud, outrageous place when it gets to the traffic on the roads, but as i walked through the constant horns everyday, i guess my ears began accustomed to hearing them because i never really noticed them after about a week. now though, it is so quiet on the streets of canada! i was driving on a side road with my mom, and just because i needed a fill of india, i started honking the horn for the entire street. still didn’t seem to fill the void completely, but it was worth a try.

4. the heat. i actually miss sweating all of the time, and having to wipe my face with a cloth every 5 minutes. it’s not that i am freezing in canada (although i was wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, slippers, housecoat, and a big blanket the first morning i was here), but i think i miss the fellowship that went along with the sweat. that is the weirdest sentence i have ever created. anyways, it’s true though! when it was hot, we were all hot and we were all sweating, and we all tended to laugh, joke, and accept the matter. there was a strange bonding that happened during the time of sweat, and i miss it.

5. getting transported in an audio. i mean, granted, they were amazing when i first got in one, but then i got used to being in one and it didn’t become such a thrill. now that i don’t see them around, i feel like an ordinary taxi is just going to bore the heck out of me when i decide to use it.

6. being surrounded by tamil. i went to church on sunday, and it was such a bizarre feeling. i understood what everyone was saying, and could sing to every song, and listen to all the words of the message. but for some reason, i wanted tamil! i wanted to try to exercise the bit of words i knew, and i wanted to sing all those worship songs that i was slowly getting the hang of. i miss tamil, a lot. englishg just isn’t as great anymore!

7. the passion of living god church on a sunday morning. with all due respect to canada, and our churches, there is something that living god church in alandur is bursting with on a sunday morning, and something that i feel lacks here. and that’s passion. when the message is communicated, there is excitement during it! when the songs are sung, people are craving to praise and worship jesus. i didn’t feel that as much here, and it was really unsettling. i missthat passion, and now i can’t stop thinking about why they have it, and we have become comfortable at the level we are at.

8. wet indian bathrooms. i can’t believe i am saying this, because anyone that knows me really well knows that i hate the feeling of walking on wet tile floor, and that is what the indian bathroom is all about. and really, an indian bathroom is so convenient! there are taps everywhere, and everyone is in one room, no extra doors or things to separate the shower/bath from the sink and toilet. it’s just all there. i like it, and north american bathrooms are just a bit too modernized for me.

9. attempting conversations with the chatty kathy of india. this woman, who i saw a lot and lived close to me was always wanting a conversation! and she doesn’t know any english, and i’m not overly great at tamil, but we made an attempt. and the attempt was amazing, raw, and honest. i hope she is chatting it up with someone else right now.

10. when i walked to the emmanuel school everyday, there was this woman who made flowers in this small shack. and however it happened, we began a tradition of smiling to eachother everyday. it never failed, when i approached that location, i got my smile out, and so did she. we even ventured into the ‘how are you’ some days, but i miss her. and i wish i would have tried to have a deeper conversation with her. (deeper as in, asking her if she ate, because i really dont’ know that many conversation starters in tamil.)

there is something about india that you just can’t explain to people. it grabs your heart, and it takes a bit of it, just to make sure that you return again. i’ve travelled to places before, but every single day, india reminds me that i was there, that jesus is so present, and that i need to go back.

i’ll miss you india.

it’s monday, july 18th. normally that wouldn’t mean too much to me, but today it does. today it has a significant meaning. monday, july 18th means that i only have tomorrow, tuesday, july 19th left in india. i realize that i fly out on wednesday, however it’s at 5:31am so it hardly seems to count as a day. tomorrow will be even more significant, as that is officially when all the goodbyes will take place and i just don’t know how i feel about the whole thing. i sort of wish that there could be in floating button in the air that i could press to stop time for a bit. you know, give me a bit longer to spend with the incredible people i’ve encountered, dig deeper into the culture and customs, and continue to learn more about what god has in store for my life. but, that’s not possible, and whether i want it to happen or not, i’ll be boarding a plane on wednesday morning. as i think about that concept, there are a few things that i’m going to miss about india that i’d like to share with you. (the following list is not in order of importance, but in order of what popped into my head first.)

1. sitting on the kitchen floor, chatting with sarah while she cooks food. i know this one hardly seems like something that would just happen in india, but sarah is in india, therefore this moment is associated with her current location. but, i’m going to miss this. it seems as though the kitchen floor is where a lot of our ‘deeper’ conversations, if you will, started. sometimes, they started and finished in the kitchen, but sometimes we’d venture to the air conditioned bedroom if the heat got to be a bit much. these moments always served as an encouragement and support to me, and i’ve come to really appreciate them. regardless of how outrageous the meal was that she was making, she always took time to listen to my ramble for the day, or ensure me that she was listening even though her back was to me and she was chopping onions or throwing something in the blender. comfort and reality seemed to collide on that floor in the kitchen, and in the tough stages of this journey, these conversations got me through.

2. cell groups on tuesday and wednesday nights with aunty. these evenings, going into the voc have served as such a huge point of personal growth for me. and it has been an amazing opportunity to meet the people where they are at, and share god’s word with them. i remember the first time i went to a cell group at the voc, the ladies were singing a song. aunty turned to me and told me that they were singing a song of thanksgiving. keep in mind that about 12 or us were crammed in a small hut, sheltered by a coconut leaf roof. it was one room, which served as the kitchen, bathroom, living room, rec room, whatever room. and they were singing a song of thanksgiving. amazing. the ladies in these groups have taught me so much, and i’m going to miss singing, and sharing with them each week.

3. my indian wardrobe. the clothes are not only beautifully colored, pattern filled, and extremely comfortable, but they display such a strong message through their appearance. in north amercia it’s normally about what brand you are wearing, how well the shirt displays your chest, or body shape, and how your pants can show off your hips or bottom. i mean, sure, comfort is important, but the look of the clothing, and style of the clothing seems to go before that. indian clothing is so modest, yet displays such an incredible beauty in itself. without saying anything, it teaches the women that it isn’t about how much of your chest you can show, or how curvy they make your body look, but instead they display beauty, in and of itself. it shows a level of confidence; that the women of india don’t need to show their body to make themselves feel beautiful, but they are confident in what god has given them and will proudly wear clothes to display such. it’s incredible.

4. scooter rides with aunty. i just love riding that scooter with aunty, as she zips around the crowd and goes flying down the road singing whatever worship song comes into her heart first. not only is the scooter ride a great time, but the conversations and memories that aunty and i have shared on the scooter is of even more importance. when i think about riding the scooter, i think about our many trips into the voc together, or going to visit her mother in a different town, or venturing around to shops so we can buy a few things to bless the community.

5. meetings and planning sessions with the female leaders in the church. i look back at these two months, and i think my fondest week was when we were all putting the final touches on the girls outreach event, my beloved. everyday i spent probably 2 or 3 hours with these ladies, preparing, laughing, praying, practicing, encouraging. and in that week i got to know them all of a new level, dig a little deeper than the ministry that they did within the church, and it was amazing. the planning of the event created a bond between all of us, and i’m going to miss them all a lot.

6. simona and eva. before i came here, i knew that i enjoyed children, but i just wasn’t sure how much. these kids, although at 3.5 years old, and 1 year old, they tested me in the beginning, i have come to adore both of them. eva blows me away everyday with the things that she says, and the random acts of kindness that she displays. simona warms my heart every time she sees me and runs straight to me so i can pick her up. they are both bundles of joy, and have served as a constant reminder how god takes the time to make us just the way we are. those two children are going to be huge contributors to the kingdom of god some day, and it’s been a blessing to live with them for 2 months.

7. walking to the church. every day i venture down mkn road, something reminds me of how amazingly different india is in comparison to canada, and how incredible jesus is in the midst of all of it. these strolls have served as an important ten minutes for me, as it has always been the transitioning period. whether the ten minutes is used to calm me down from something that has left me frustrated, or ten minutes to pray about something god has put on my heart, or simply ten minutes to observe the culture in all it’s fullest. either way, i’m going to miss the dodging of the cows, goats, dogs, scooters, motorbikes, audios, cars, buses, trucks, and people.

8. being completely immersed in ministry. every single day, i get to talk to people about jesus, i get to pray with them, hear their stories, and meet them where they are at in life. there is something about being completely wrapped up in the lord’s work that is so powerful. i know that i need to make more of an effort to consume myself more in the church when i return to canada, but it’s been amazing to learn how to do variations of full time ministry.

9. witnessing how god has provided for a vision. it blows me away to hear the story of how living god church came to be, and all the programs within in. and i love the attitude of sarah and christo when they say that god has shown them the needs, and they are confident that if they step out in faith, then god will provide whatever is needed for the project. i love that mentality. it’s driven on this impulsive faith, and god just grabs hold of it and pours out an abundance of blessing onto the ministry in alandur, and now the surrounding areas. their attitude has taught me a great deal.

10. tea time. this event in general reminds me of so many great conversations and people that i have gotten to know over tea. i think about the conversations and things i have learned and shared with aunty while having tea with her in her home. i think about the endless tea times that i have shared with the female leaders at the church, and getting to know them more. i think about even today when i had tea with malar and got to caught up with her after not seeing her for almost a month. and i think about tea time with the head miss at the emmanuel school everyday after i have taught the children. time and time again, tea has come through as a bonding tool, as an opportunity to learn more about a person, and share jesus in the midst.

i could go on, and on, about different things that i’m going to miss about india. the food, other people i haven’t mentioned above, the climate, taking audios around the community, attending an indian wedding reception, house visiting, discovering a new house pet on a weekly basis, eating with my hands, going out to a hotel for lunch with the teachers from the emmanuel school, having conversations in tamil, praying for people, living with a missionary couple and their family, wearing moomoo’s everyday, eating mangos all the time, enjoying orange fanta on a daily basis, sleeping on a hard mattress, experiencing hail from the air conditioner in my room frequently, eating on the floor, listening to the coconut man yelling through the street each morning.. i could go on (clearly), but i think you understand. i’ve been praying and waiting for god to show me an opportunity to come to india for the past three years, and i feel so incredibly blessed to have these memories, and lessons to share with people in canada.

thanks god for opening the right doors, and closing the wrong ones because it all managed to get me to here; alandur. chennai. india.

emmanuel.

just over a month ago i was sitting on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out. when i look back, i don’t know why i went into the bathroom. there is something oddly comforting about crying on the bathroom floor, as opposed to crying in the middle of your bedroom. and the cry wasn’t for one minute, or two. i think i was sitting on that floor, in full out sobbing for a good 15 minutes. and then i hypervilated a little, attempted to say a few things outloud to calm myself down and continued to sit for another 45 minutes or so. 

just to back track a bit, so you can have a better understanding of why i ended up on the bathroom floor, crying that day. 

there was this government program in the voc (slum area) that i wanted to be involved in. this program ran each morning, acting as a free preschool for the slum children. i didn’t have much in mind in terms of going there, i just wanted to be there with the kids. perhaps play a few games, do a craft, and lead a simple english lesson or something. so, just over a month ago, i ventured to this government program. i met with the teachers, who didn’t speak a word of english, and i stayed for about an hour with the children. the teachers were a bit quick to scold the children, and many of them came with unclean wounds, ripped clothing, and a bit of an empty look in their eyes. i remember wanting to just.. just be there. spend an hour there, perhaps get a few smiles and laugher out of the children, and show them love and care. everytime i entered the voc, my heart strings were always getting tugged, so i thought that this would be a great opportunity to get more involved in the area, and share some of god’s love with them.

however, at the end of my first day there, the teacher told me in the bit of tamil i could understand, that she didn’t want me to come back the next day. she said something about meeting with her official to see if it was okay that i was there. so, i told her that i wouldn’t come the next day, and that the following day i would come to hear the verdict of what the official said. so, i went. however, the teacher told me that she hadn’t met with official yet, and to come the following week. i was a bit discouraged, but i brought out the positive attitude, and i was convincing myself that ‘good things come to those who wait’! 

at this point, a huge barrier was the lack of tamil i knew, and the lack of english the teachers knew. this meant that i needed to bring a translator with me, but the people that normally act as that were all busy at the time of the program. it look awhile to get aunty to come to the voc. it just seemed like it was being put off, and all i wanted was for someone to act as though they cared about it as much as i did. i was excited though when we were finally making our way to the voc so i could hear the verdict. the amount that i had prayed and talked to jesus about it, i was confident that the decision would be a good one. however, as aunty and i entered the classroom, i just could feel something about to go terribly wrong. a few minutes later, aunty was ushering me out the door and telling me that i was not to go back. and to make matters a bit more frustrating, the lady still hadn’t talked to the official, she just made an assumation and told aunty to inform me that i was not to come again. 

and that’s where the bathroom floor comes in. i was frustrated. i was sure that this program was where i should be. nobody seemed to care about going there as much as i did. and i felt helpless. really helpless. so i just cried. and got angry with jesus, for about an hour. 

even reading that paragraph makes me sound a bit outrageous. and looking back, i know that it clearly wasn’t god’s plan for me. he had something better in mind. he had something bigger in mind. he was preparing something for me that i still can’t seem to get my head wrapped around.

he was preparing the emmanuel school for me. 

about a week after everything happened with the government program, aunty called me and told me that she found me a christian school in the neighbourhood that was willing to let me volunteer for an hour everyday. as aunty brought me there for the first day, i thought that i would just be sitting in on a class, perhaps helping a child here and there, and spend most of my time in the background.

let me tell you, i was completely wrong. i was so far off base. the first day i was there, i was told ‘okay, you can take the class for the next hour’. and suddenly, i was standing at the front, while 90 children and 3 teachers stared back at me. i was a bit (a lot) unprepared, so i just started talking about the canadian winter, and taught them a few songs. after the first day, i sat down with the head master of the school who told me that each day i would have the opportunity to teach the class for one hour on whatever topics i pleased. 

so now, i sit here writing you this blog with two days left at the emmanuel school (as i return to canada on wednesday). going to the school as been such an incredible blessing to me, and a constant reminder that god has such a bigger and better plan for me than i could ever dream of for myself. i look back at the past month, and now upwards to 130 children come to the top of the roof each day to hang out with me, i’ve taught them first aid, moral values, things about canada, many english christian songs, made a few crafts, and made a lot of noise. on top of it all, i’ve introduced to them simple group games that we normally start with everyday to get their energy out. we pretend to row canoes, cast our fishing poles, fan classmates due to heat stroke, and make noises of winter animals in canada. 

if anyone had told me while i was sitting on that bathroom floor that i was about to encounter an incredible school, with incredible children, and an incredible opportunity to be creative and interactive with the students, i wouldn’t have believed them. but yet, it has happened. god knew that my heart needed mending, so he found the best, and biggest bandaid he could get his hands on and he placed it directly over the wound. and within a day, within one conversation with the emmanuel school, my heart was mended and restored. 

i am saddened to be leaving my 130 new friends at the emmanuel school, and all the amazing teachers that work there, but i leave with such a grateful heart. and a blessed heart. the school has enjoyed having me there, but i don’t think they have realize how lareg of an impact they have had on me, and my personal growth. 

time, and time again god has revealed his faithfulness to me, and just how much he truly loves and cares for me. and it amazes me, everytime it amazes me. 

the ten stares of indian men.

now, i don’t mean to call myself an expert by any means, but i have come to know a few things about india since living here for a few months.

people stare. the women stare. the children stare. i swear the dogs and cows that stumble along the streets even stare. but, i want to take this opportunity to focus on one group of people in indian society. 

the men.

seeing as i have walked the streets of the alandur area many times heading to church, going to the school i help out at, stopping by at the hari store so i can grab a fanta and diet coke for sarah, going to cell groups at the voc, and other random places, i have come to know the stares of the men.

and there isn’t just one stare either. or two for that matter. and i may go as far to say that there is even more than three. so, before i ramble on too much, just in case you come to india, here are the stares of the men that you may encounter:

1. the ‘straight up i’m staring at you’ stare.

this guy isn’t hiding anything. in fact, he is probably doing his best to make sure you realize that he is staring at you. normally this guy can be found standing on the side of the road, or perhaps in a group of people talking.  but he always positions himself in such a way that he has a clear view of the road, and the traffic that is passing by him. he’s on the look out, and when he sees you coming, he’s going to make direct eye contact with you, and attempt to stare until you meet his eye contact. but, don’t, oh boy, don’t ever do that because that’ll just send straight up i’m staring at you man to the moon and back. he’ll try to get you to fall into the trap though, but be warned.

2. the ‘drive by’ stare.

i have to give credit to this guy because he is a multi-tasker. this guy will be found riding a bike, motorbike, or even an audio. as he drives past you, he will manage to get a good look at you, without getting in an accident, or running into something. and it’s not a one glance stare either, he holds that stare for at least 2 seconds, which when you think about it, is pretty impressive considerng he is still navigating the wild roads of india. 

3. the ‘stop and stare’ stare. 

now, you may think that the stop and stare is just like the straight up stare, but there is a difference. this guy is found walking, or buying something in a shop, and he will stop whatever he is doing, or whoever he is talking to, to stare at you. it doesn’t matter if he is in a deep conversation with another person, or about to make a turn onto another street, everything will come to a hult. and when everything does, the staring begins. and he normally gives you a good long stare, considering he did drop everything he was doing to stare at you in the first place.

4. the ‘talk, giggle, talk’ stare. 

this guy is waiting, and watching for you. and when he finds you, he’ll make sure to let his buddies know that he has. this guy will be found in a large group of similar age males, or the guy that isn’t afraid to struck up a conversation with a random person if he means he can talk about the white person he just saw. this guy will be in the middle of a conversation, but he’s looking place the shoulder of the other person, just waiting for you to come. and when you do, the giggling begins. and he might even nutch the person he is talking to, so they know what he is giggling about. and then, he’ll make some sort of comment to his friend about how you look, or the color of your skin, and then stare once more to make sure he has his facts correct. 

5. the ‘you call him out on his staring, and he comments on your baby’ stare.

this stare is situational. first, you need to be carrying a baby for this stare to be pulled off. if you have the baby, it’s a really common one, because, well, it’s a perfect cop out (or so the man thinks) for being caught in a stare. this guy will be walking, biking, or talking with some people, and he’ll begin staring. but it’s obvious, and you’re starting to get annoyed, so you call him out on it. you say, “hey! what do you want?” and then he makes a gesture about how the baby you are carrying is so cute or super. this guy thinks he is weaseling himself out of a stare, but you know better. although your baby might be cute, you clearly caught him in a stare.

6. the ‘i’m staring into your soul’ stare.

this one is a rare one, but when it happens, you know it is happening. this is the guy that is walking towards you, and spots you from a distance. so, he positions himself on the road in such a way that he walks directly by you when you do pass. and when he passes, just watch out. he’s going to stare into your soul. his eyes will become a bit glossy, and you’ll start feeling like the white skin that coats your body wants to run the other way. just stay calm, the stare will soon pass, and once it does, you can pick up your pace.

7. the ‘attempt at a conversation’ stare. 

you better watch out for this guy, because he’s bold and not afraid to make the jump from a stare to a conversation in a few seconds. this guy can be found holding his head a little higher than the rest, wearing some dark wash jeans with designs on them, and a v-neck shirt. he roams the streets, or stands by his shiny motorcycle waiting for you to walk by. and when you do, he’ll do a quick stare, and then use all the english he knows to get your attention. and if you walk by and ignore him, he may yell a little louder, thinking that perhaps you just didn’t hear him the first time.

8. the ‘vertical’ stare. 

this guy wants to get all he can out of his stare, so what does he do? he stares at the face, and then works his way down the body to your toes, and then back up again. and he’s fast to, seeing as you’re just walking by him. this guy can be found leaning against a pole, or a bike, resting one of his arms on the handlebar or on the pole. he has his back slightly thrown back, and he is getting himself in perfect condition to execute the perfect vertical stare. you may have similar feelings as the soul stare, but just keep walking. the stare will end eventually.

9. the ‘stuck in an elevator’ stare. 

you think you are entering the elevator so you can avoid the stairs, but the man that just walked in behind you on the elevator is thinking something completely different. he is going to stare at you, for the entire ride, and there is no where you can escape to. now, this guy is not only found in elevators, but in other small spaces such as the egg shop, or getting your dosa mix for the day. there really isn’t much you can do about this stare, except look extremely interested in the wall until you can escape from the elevator, or whatever small space you have found yourself in.

10. the ‘rookie’ stare.

this guy doesn’t have much experience in terms of encountering white people, so he is just in disbelief. this guy can be found anywhere on the streets, and doesn’t hide his stare. in fact, the stare makes you feel a bit self conscious, because he is staring at you as if something is horribly wrong. you keep thinking that perhaps your saree is wrapped incorrectly, or that your shirt isn’t long enough, or maybe your hair isn’t pinned tightly back enough. either way, his stare indicates that something is different, maybe even wrong, and he’s just confused. he doesn’t know what to do, or where to go, so he just stares. the stare is an attempt to sort out all of these unfamilar sights and thoughts, but it just ends up making you feel a bit less confidence than when you walked out of the house.

so, there are the ten stares of india. i may have missed a few, but this will give you a good indication of what you are in for anyways. oh, and to end it off, i feel like this video gives a representation of the stare of an indian man. enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QelCh38n2bI

an inspiration.

i have met some amazing people since being in the alandur area. i have laughed with people, talked with people, planned with people, prayed with people, withstood hours without air conditioning and fans with people, and simply encouraged the company of the people. however, there is this one lady. this one woman who has inspired me. every single day, and moment that i spend with her, i learn from her. sometimes i’m convinced that god sprinkled some extra dust on her before he set her into this world, because she’s that amazing. and i mentioned her many times throughout my blog entries, but tonight i want to focus directly on her. 

i know her as aunty. some know her as nana-ma, sister, ma, ‘honey’, or friend. everyone and their dog knows who aunty is in the alandur community, and she makes the best of efforts to connect with as many people daily as possible.

why? because she loves people, and the level of compassion that aunty has continues to blow me away each and every day. she goes the extra mile, all the time, without any question. and although she may get tired sometimes, she continues to pour out her love regardless. she doesn’t let much get in the way of communiting to the people that jesus loves them.

and maybe that’s what is so inspiring. she doesn’t let much get in the way of her ministry. she just keeps, keeping on, day in and day out. she wakes up early in the morning to do her work at home, and then she’s off to the church every morning to lead prayer for an hour. and after prayer, it’s off to house visiting for the afternoon, and then from there it’s onto cell groups in the evening. and somewhere inbetween all that ministry, she has time to help organize outreach events, and show up at church meetings, and even makes food for her honey, along with two other guys that live in the church. it’s unbelievable!

she never stops serving jesus. every aspect of her day is to ulimately glorify his kingdom. maybe that’s why she inspiries me so much. the way that she talks with the people, the way that she leads worship and sincerely sings her praises to jesus, the way that she prays so powerfully for people, or the way that she speaks into the lives of the people. although i’ve spent almost every day with her since being here in some capability, she still amazes me. every day, she amazes me. 

and this post may not be relevant to you because you don’t know aunty, but i wish you did. i wish that i could put her in my pocket and bring her for show and tell at my school, because that’s how great she is. 

muumuus.

i am going to be completely honest and tell you that i had no idea how to spell that word. and just in case you have no idea how to pronounce that word, it’s “moo-moo-s”. pretty simple once you break it down into a spelling that makes sense. i mean, muumuus..pardon? in my humble opinion, i think there are too many u’s and m’s in that word. switch it up..add an o or something. or just spell it like it sounds. that actually would solve all of the problems.

anyways. i’m going to go out on a limb and re-spell the word ‘muumuu’ for the sake of this blog post. because currently i am looking up at the title every time i go to write that word and it is slowing down my typing process. so, it’s moomoo, for the simplicity of this blog and my sanity. 

oh, and just in case you haven’t entered the world of moomoo’s yet, let me be the first to introduce you to it! now, if you google the definition, again, in my humble opinion, wikipedia is going to lead you astray. it says:

The muumuu or muʻumuʻu (English pronunciation: /ˈmuːmuː/) is a loose dress of Hawaiian origin^[1] that hangs from the shoulder. Like the Aloha shirt, muumuu exports are often brilliantly colored with floral patterns of generic Polynesian motifs. Muumuu for local Hawaiian residents are more subdued in tone. Muumuu are no longer as widely worn at work as the aloha shirt, but continue to be the preferred formal dress for weddings and festivals such as the Merrie Monarch hula competition. They are also frequently worn as a uniform by women working in the hotel industry^{[citation needed]}. Muumuu are also popular as maternity wear because they do not restrict the waist.

through my experiences in the past two months, i think a more accurate definition of the moomoo is a “loose fitting nightie worn at all times in the home”. and i mean at all times.. the moment you enter through the door, you run to your home and you change. and don’t think about grabbing that t-shirt and pants, you better go for the moomoo. mind you, there is no way that you are going to miss it because it is the most colorful piece of clothing in your collection. and it’s the biggest. 

and, hawaii taking the credit? maybe they have a few there, but india is taking the moomoo world by storm. there are some people that are even venturing out of their home and they are sporting the moomoo. they aren’t shy about it at all. and i respect that, big time. 

and besides, why would you want to wear anything else? they are loose fitting..how much better can that get? you gain 10lbs, who cares! the moomoo doesn’t. you lose 10lbs, who cares! the moomoo doesn’t. you want to do something with 10lbs, who cares! the moomoo doesn’t. and what’s that you say, patterns are too much for you? who cares! the moomoo doesn’t. and what about all those colors that are shoved onto one piece of fabric? who cares! the moomoo sure doesn’t. 

see? it is a win-win situation, all the time. oh, and did i mention comfort and the ability to do almost anything in a moomoo? want to sit cross legged? no problem, the moomoo stretches for that. want to do some jumping jacks? no problem, the moomoo has endurance for that. want to show a bit of your legs? no problem, the moomoo has extra fabric in the stomach area so you can tie it together and adjust the length. i’m telling you, there is basically nothing you can’t do in a moomoo.

and look how happy we are wearing them?!

you simply can’t go wrong. and i just want canada to know, (and my future husband because the acceptance of moomoos has now become a requirement for the man that decides to spend the rest of his life with me) that i am bringing these back. and not only am i bringing them back, but i think everyone should just go ahead and get one of these now. you won’t regret it. and if i had an extra suitcase to bring back, i would even say i’d get one for you. i think i’ll probably get one for my mom.. and my sisters, because it’s the greatest gift i could probably give someone at this point. 

i’m just planting the moomoo seed, that’s all. 

my eyes are on you.

last night i officially added a new tool to my toolbox. and because i feel it is so valuable, i would like to share it with all of you.

and i’m not kidding either. you might as well get your toolbox out right now because you’ll be soon adding to your collection, i promise. this isn’t one of those tools where some people take it, and some people drop it like an old newspaper. this one is legitimate, and useful. i could probably bet that you will use it everyday, at some point during a conversation or a cirsumstance you find yourself in. and this tool shouldn’t be shoved at the back of your toolbox either, so do some quick spring cleaning and find some space in the front. i would recommend a spot easy to access too, so you can get it out at your earliest convenience. these are all just suggestions of course, but i can officially say that i told you so. i hope, for your sake, you made some room. 

it all starts in 2 chronicles, chapter 20. so, here’s the whole ordeal: there is this king who has an army, and they are ready to go off to battle. the problem is though that the enemy attacking has an outrageous amount of men, and the king is at a bit of a loss. he knows that if he orders his men out onto the field, he will surely lose. so, after some quick and faithful thinking, he calls his army into the temple and says that they are going to ask god for a strategy, because at this point, he has nothing. you picturing all this? king. temple. men. praying. oh yeah, and the enemy with their over the top, fully populated army. once gathered, the king begins to talk to god and asks him for some help. but the most important part of this whole story (ie, the tool that you will be adding to your box which i will explain a little bit more in detail afterwards), is at this point the king says, “lord, i don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on you.” talk about an incredible statement! that line gets me excited, but i’ll finish the story for you first before i go off about it. god answers the prayers of the king - he tells him to find all the priests and gather his men. then he orders the king to bring his army out onto the battlefield and get this, start worshiping. no swords, no fighting, just straight up, old fashion, spirit filled, worship. the king’s obedience kicked in, and ordered his army to do all of this. and as they started worshiping, the enemy ended up turning on themselves and killing eachother. bam, the king won the battle, and not only did none of his men die, but they had a chance to worship god. not such a bad thing, if you ask me.

but let’s reward for a second. and i’m even going to use caps lock on this next sentence because i really want you to get it. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT MY EYES ARE ON YOU. (i’m not shouting at you either, i’m just excited and i hope you are too). the king was at a complete loss, all the odds were clearly against him, and by his own strength, there was no way that he was going to win that battle. he didn’t know what to do, but his eyes remained on god. and as you see in the story, because his eyes remained on god, he took care; he gave the king a strategy that was effective and won him the battle. 

so many times life can just seem terrible. frustrating. confusing. hopeless. unfair. unloving. and by our own strength, our own knowledge and wisdom, those cirumstances that just seem too impossible to fix, or too hurtful to face, will remain that way. but, if we add god into the mix then things change up a lot. and it’s not a flick of a switch kind of easy either, it’s still difficult. but, if our eyes are on god, then he will take care. time and time again, he will take care. but we need to make the first move. we need to set our eyes not on the circumstance around us, or the emotions that we are facing, but on god. and when our eyes are on god, he will provide. he will take care. he will provide you that strategy to win the battle. 

so i hope you did make room for another tool in your toolbox, because this one is important. if you don’t know what to do, set your eyes on god. 

the surprise of brokenness.

i remember the first time i walked into the voc (slum) area. aunty was holding onto my arm, and attempting to have a conversation with me, but my mind was so preoccupied on my surroundings. my eyes had never seen what was infront of me before and it took immense concentration to direct my attention on the sentences being projected towards me by aunty. everything was just so foreign to my eyes, and my mind. people can talk about poverty, people can talk about suffering and desperation, but there is something about being in the midst of it. there is something about walking directly into the core of it that brings a complete revelation. there is something about it that changes your heart, that changes your thought process, and that changes even the steps you take, and your attention. 

when i first walked into the voc, i continued to consciously remind myself to move my feet forward. and then my sight, hearing, and smell began to wander. my eyes were catching the endless amount of children that were either walking around unclothed, or with teared clothing. my eyes were catching the garbage that i was constantly attempting to step over or around. my eyes were catching the extremely small and crowded homes. my eyes were catching the immense amount of people living in such a small community. my eyes were catching many pictures of hindu idols. my eyes were catching human waste put to the side of the road. my eyes were catching elderly people curled on the side of the curb attempting to get some sleep. my eyes were catching people bagging for any bit of food or money.

and then my ears kicked in. the sounds coming from the community even seemed different. my ears were listening to men and women yelling at eachother. my ears were listening to children screaming at eachother. my ears were listening to men yelling inappropriate things at me. my ears were listening to people calling out my name to grab my attention. my ears were listening to endless fireworks that seemed to be going off.

and then lastly my nose was a bit overwhelmed. my nose began smelling rotting garbage all around me. my nose began smelling burning of the cook pots outside the homes. my nose began smelling body odor. my nose began smelling scents that i wasn’t able to even recognize. 

that was the first time i walked into the voc. the surroundings were overwhelming - all of my senses hardly knew what to do. it wasn’t that i didn’t know what poverty was. it wasn’t that i was completely unaware that this these environments were present in the world that i live in. it wasn’t that i was living in a small bubble, where i refused to believe that the poor didn’t exist. but there is something that happens when you’re there. instead of having the comforts of your home, while discussing what poverty is, you are there. you are breathing the poverty, you are smelling the poverty, you are seeing the poverty. you are in the poverty. there is no going back either. you can’t just walk into poverty, walk out, and the continue on with your life per usual. something changes. what your eye sees begin to change, what your ears hear begin to change, and what your nose smells begins to change. 

it happens over time though. i think the change is immediate, but it takes a bit to recognize the shift, and to embrace it. not only embrace it, but make a conscious decision that you aren’t going to ignore it, but instead make a choice to be engaged, and willing. it has taken me over a month to fully recognize the change, and begin to understand what is beginning to happen within me. 

now, when i begin to walk into the voc, my feet take slower steps, and even stop for a few moments. not so i can catch my breathe, or because i can’t bare to take one more step, but because i’m talking with someone. because someone called out my name, and no longer do i want to take another step, but instead talk with that person in the little tamil i know, and the wide range of hand gestures that i now seem to use on a regular basis. 

and my eyes are catching different things now. before the surroundings got me; the physical things that were around me were consuming my sight. and although i still notice those, there is something different that my eyes are focusing on now. my eyes are catching the empty eyes of that elderly woman that is always sitting on the edge of the curb of the first street. my eyes are catching helplessness of the woman who doesn’t know what happened to her child’s health and now spends her days laying on a concrete floor. my eyes are catching the endless amount of families that are struck by bondage and captivity due to the worshiping of idols. my eyes are catching the children torn between the world of jesus, and the world of hindu traditions within their family. my eyes are catching the desperate attempts to make ends meet. my eyes are catching brokenness. raw and indescribable brokenness.

and my ears are listening to different sounds now. before it was noise of the place, it was the act of shouting, or screaming that my ears caught. but, instead now it is the silent cries that grab my heart and my ears become completely tuned in. my ears are listening to the painful silence as a girl who loves jesus, but has a family that is convinced she needs to marry a hindu man. my ears are listening to the cries of a shattered heart as she reaches out her hand, pleading for a few coins. my ears are listening to the endless cries for care and love. my ears are listening to brokenness. silently, loud brokenness.

and my nose is beginning to smell different scents now. before it was the obvious scents of the environment, but now it is the hidden scents that take a little while to acknowledge. my nose is smelling the only meal of the day for a family. my nose is smelling the only option for putting their garbage somewhere. my nose is smelling hours of hard work to wash clothes for the week. my nose is smelling the cries of bondage and forced participation of hindu rituals. my nose is smelling brokenness. doubtful and enduring brokenness. 

however, there is something about recognizing brokenness that has caused a complete revelation about jesus. 

i am more likely to have jesus revealed to me and through me in weakness than in strength, sinfulness than in purity, or doubt than in perfect faithfulness. in the bible jesus wasn’t overly stoked about spending a lot of time with the rich, but instead was immersed in the poor, sick, unhealthy, desperate people. jesus was among the broken. it’s interesting though because the all-powerful lord may seem distant and even frightening; the spotlessly perfect and unique christ may seem unattainable. but yet he was there. and he is here now. whenever i walk into the voc, all i see is jesus. to my left, right, behind me, infront of me, everywhere jesus is there. 

why? because jesus made the decision to be broken as well. jesus went to the cross and was broken, and died for all the sins of the world. because he allowed himself to be broken, we can meet them within our brokenness. the voc can meet him within their brokenness. many people don’t know that this option is there - they don’t know salvation. which is why jesus then takes people out of the comforts of their home and places them in environments which seem overwhelming, dark, empty, and helpless. the environments are broken, so jesus brings together willing hearts and hands, and uses these people to begin the restoration process. 

it’s a continual surprise to me though that god pours out his glory into a dusty and cracked, broken even, jar of clay like the voc. but he does, everyday, every moment, when the people open up to him. it’s so surprising that it is easy to miss, easy to dispense with the ludicrous ways of life that jesus might be right here, right now. seeing is not necessarily believing. sometimes it’s believing that allows us to see. everytime i go into the voc though, i remind myself to look for jesus’s presense in myself and in others. i have come to expect that i will see him, but somehow, it’s still a surprise when he shows up. but he does, time and time again. in the distorted, obscure images - the midst of brokenness there are smiles, and laughter, and love. in the midst of brokenness there is jesus.

suffering without meaning is the path to despair. suffering with meaning is the trail to glory. and jesus is on the pioneer on that trail. there’s no place we can go that he hasn’t been already. 

my beloved.

we took our places on the floor to begin planning for the youth girls event that we had hopes of holding at the church. ideas were shared, discussion was made, prayer was had, and after a few rounds of meetings, we finally had a set plan. 

my beloved. the concept that we are god’s beloved. along with that concept was the discussion of temptation regarding guys and the problems that girls face when they give into that temptation. we decided that we would have a debate among the women leaders, in an attempt for the girls to begin thinking about whether looking at guys or presueing ungodly men had negative consequences, and whether they could avoid this or not. we then decided that we would have a drime (drama to music) regarding such consequences of presueing an ungodly man, or waiting upon jesus to show a proper man. we figured that we should also have a bit of fun involved, so the terrific idea of becky dancing to an indian folk song was agreed upon. of course there would be prayer and worship, along with a short message following the drime, and a wrap up message following the debate.

perfect, all the ideas were in place. the lists of ‘things to do’ were made, and we were satisfied that this was going to be a successful night of engaging the girls and forcing their minds to think a bit. 

in the days leading up to it, i was on the go consistently! if i wasn’t learning how to dance, then i was leading a drime practice. it was so much fun though. i had endless laughs with my dance partner, and many great moments with the girls who were in the drime with me. all the practices seemed to be going well, and the evening was coming together really well!

and then saturday came. i normally don’t get nervous, and i enjoy talking in front of people. however, as the women were dressing me up in my indian village man costume (oh, i didn’t mention that? yes, i was the guy. and yes they drew a mustache on me), i was nervous! i have never danced in front of anyone before, and i don’t credit myself to be much a dancer in the first place, but here i was..taking center stage. as a man, with a mustache at that. oh, and in a long skirt that i was terrified i would trip over and fall on my face. and then this scarf wrapped around my head, to top it all off. it was amazing though, the costume that is. i was still nervous though. 

but as we took the stage, the moment i started my first move, the girls just went wild! the whole dance, they were cheering, laughing (with me, i hope), and seemed to really enjoy it. thank the lord. and i only messed up one step, but quickly corrected myself. horray! so overall, the dance was a success. i don’t think i’ll take up dancing as a career, or even a hobby though. i’m convinced that jesus doesn’t have dance star written in the book of life for becky. 

the moment i was finished dancing, i was rushed upstairs to change into my next costume. jesus! i’ve never played jesus, and in fact, i’ve never been in a drime before in my life. but, here i was, ready to perform a drime that i created. again, a bit nervous! i kept thinking, is this going to impact the girls? will they get it? maybe the music wasn’t the best choice? maybe i should have found a tamil song? didn’t jesus have a purple sash on, but i have a red one? so many questions, but suddenly the music started and me, jesus, began acting. the drime was about two girls - both created by jesus, and loved jesus. however, one girl strayed from looking at god, and ventured to an ungodly man, and her life took a turn for the worse. her husband turned from being sweet and lovely, to a drunk and abusive husband (unfortunately, this is very common in this area). jesus then created another girl, who waited on jesus and his command, and found a lovely god-fearing man who loved her and took care of her. of course, there were dramatic moments, and when the song hit the climax, so did the drime. all in all, it was also a success! 

overall, the night was incredible! the female leaders were amazing at heading up the event with me, and i think everyone who attended heard god and learned a little something too. it was one of my favorite evenings so far i think while being in chennai. 

i am so very thankful for having the opportunity to be here. it is events and moments like i had at the ‘my beloved’ evening, that remind me that when you let god take over, he does more than you could imagine.